Struggle

I don't know what's harder... Not having Ryder as my son that I get to see every day and love and take care of and raise... or.. Watching someone else do it. I love my son's adoptive parents. I do. I love them so much and I DO NOT regret my decision... It just seems like every visit makes it harder to cope and grow and be my happy carefree outgoing self again... EVERYTHING brings a consequence. I'm scared to do much of anything let alone say anything for fear that someone might get offended or not like me or just judge me for what I say.. So I close off.. well here I am opening up.. I hope it doesn't backfire.....

 My emotions won't stop going crazy and it's almost been 2 months since I saw him last. I know that if anyone adopts a child it must be hard to be reminded that they are not the child's birthparents... but look at that from my point of view.. That is the ONLY thing I have. It's the ONLY thing I can claim. I am his birthmom... I don't mean to sound vain or haughty, this is comming from a broken heart... I know if you adopt a child you don't look at him and every time you do you think "oh he's adopted" you think "my child :)" and I love that. I love that, that happens. I love adoption! I guess I'm just everywhere. My emotions are everywhere... I don't want to upset anyone with this blog... I just need to get my feelings out there. I need to express this... I love my son so much... I would do anything for that little guy! I'm so happy that he's happy.