Mothers Day

So many mixed feelings today... I woke up refreshed because I was finally able to really sleep. Dreading going to my bishops meeting because I have already been working with 2 prior bishops.

I don't feel the need to transfer my records so I can work with yet another bishop. I couldn't help but cry because of my frustration... Luckly the bishop of my ward I'm in now (my 3rd ward while I've lived in one location) is willing to talk to my most recent bishop to see if I can just stay in that ward and keep working with him. I know they changed all the singles wards up but I don't understand why... The way I see it is... If your going to church and you found a ward that you enjoy to go to. You should be in that ward. Not forced to go to one certain ward because that's the only place they will put your records... I hope they can work it all out for me though.

The more I tried to make my mom feel special today the more I seemed to hurt. The more I seemed to feel that emptiness of not having my son there... I know I'm a mother, I'm a birthmom! I love that. I wouldn't change that for the world but the grief and the pain and the emptiness will still be there. My stretch marks remind me every day of my battle... They remind me every day what love truely is... What selfishness truely is... It's so hard. It's so easy to just fall back into the me me me point in life... But that never truely gets you very far...

I have to admit... I know my friends were trying to be sweet but I don't know what would hurt worse... Hearing them say "Happy Mothers Day!" or not hearing anything about mothers day at all. It all comes with the grief right? I'm so happy that Carson Ryder has the most amazing adoptive mom! Today must have been such an amazing new experience for her and their family! I'm so happy for them! I found some pictures on adoption I hope, especially Shaun and Jamie will like;

I saw Shaun, Jamie, and Carson on Birth Mothers Day, which was on Saturday. It was so good to see them! It's good to know that they are growing as a family so well! I love them so much! I am also glad that each time I see them, it helps a little more. The closure of it all, plus I'm much more shy than I was when we met... Something to do with pregnancy for me I guess. I will always be in their lives! The hurt isn't nearly as bad as it was back in Febuary for the sealing and finalization of the adoption. I can actually walk away and not need to cry. Today was just Mothers Day... today just got to me....