I will get through... Somehow

Tonight I finally broke down. Down so far that I was mad at my best friend. I was mad at the people who have been there for me through everything. Mad at myself. I tried to push everyone away. I hate feeling so vulerable. I was so mad to the point that I couldn't even tell what was wrong anymore... I just started to cry. I want to be the person who can help out a friend but this certain friend... I am not at the right place in my life to even come close to even start to really help her without being drug down myself. I don't want to leave her though because I know how she feels, I know what it feels like to lose everything... Maybe this is why some of my old friends left me, because they weren't emotionally prepaired to stay around either...

One of my dear friends listened to me, well... She dug what was wrong out of me. Finally she came to a conclusion and it makes total sence.. I am scared to get too close, I'm terrified to love.. Cause once I start to love, it seems to always end up hurting me.. So I shut myself off. Make excuses. Don't get close... I think I'm tougher than I really am...


I had my son, I placed him into the arms of another family. I love my son soo much!.. I broke my own heart. I let his parents in, I told them everything... Then they feel that facebook is making it too hard to "move on"... I feel like I am even loseing my openness with the adoption. They say it's important for him to know his birthparents but have to "think about" even emailing his birthdad back. When are they going to have to "think about" even talking to me?... this scares me so much and breaks my heart... I let my best guy friend in, he knew everything! I loved him. Now he's going out with this girl that doesn't like me because I was mad at her that she cheated on him. So we don't even talk anymore.. I lost him too. In high school I lost my first love to not one but TWO of my "best friends" once he was going out with my first ex-best friend, my new "best friend" somehow got him to break up with his girlfriend (the first "best friend") and go out with her. I lost 3 there... there are more but these are just examples.. I wish I knew how to repair my heart and just be ok and trusting and loving right off the bat.. but it's going to take some time. At least I know what is wrong now... I can fix it.

and I need to say sorry to Kim. I let her in... I asked her meet my son and adoptive parents and go to the sealing with me. Well after that... I got scared.. That I trusted and loved you too much.. so I started to kind of shut you off.. well I'm sorry. I know now what I have been doing.. and I'm so sorry.. I miss you soo much!.. I feel like we are strangers and I hate it...